Here's some important stuff. This is the blog of a lesbian-identified bisexual Christian Republican female. I like to talk about my labels and who I am. I plan to mostly use this blog to link to thoughtful things other people have written, but occasionally I will write my own posts. There are a few rules here.

1. Be nice. I will delete your comments otherwise. It's as simple as that.

2. You cannot comment anonymously. No, really. I have that ability turned off. HOWEVER, you can comment without having a Livejournal account-- just use OpenID. There's a really good tutorial for using it here. This helps me out a lot because it means I can better filter trolls, since I don't have to allow anonymous commenting for non-Livejournal-users. Plus, it means I can get back to you in your blog and read your interesting posts. OpenID works with any Livejournal clone, Blogspot-- pretty much anywhere you can have your own space.

3. Don't out me. I can't imagine how or why anyone would give out my real name on this blog, but don't. I'm not openly gay at this point in time, and even if I were, I treasure online anonymity. If you do attempt to out me, I will ban you from this blog.

Dear God:
The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe.

~~~~~~

I got this forward earlier this week from a girl that attends my old church. She instant-messages me sometimes and she's quite nice. I don't think she ever heard the whole reason why I left.

The message made me smile. I wish I could cast off suspicion and find myself able to chat with her, without worrying who would hear what I said.

Sometimes it's a kid (a 15-year-old one, actually) who knows better how to show Christian love than an adult does.

I don't know how I got in the habit of not updating this blog, but I feel guilty about it! Time passes a lot faster than I realize, I guess. And I have something like 190 more links to share with you eventually.

In a Godward direction: God’s Judgment on Heterosexuality
It has become more and more apparent that many heterosexuals have come to consider themselves to be faithful members of the church, while committing acts at variance with the church's solemn teaching. HILARIOUS PARODY

In a Godward direction: In Response to Rick
"Why can the various functions of sexuality not be separated?" or "Why is a same-sex relationship more culpable than an infertile mixed-sex relationship?"

MCC - Practice Of Safe Text
If the churches spent as much time as Jesus did on sexuality, they would be a lot healthier congregations welcoming and not excluding folks based on sexual orientation.

How I Broke My Lesbian Friend’s Heart « Suddenly Christian
I had my Big Fat Christian Conversion Experience. Ibroke the news to her that since she had last seen me, I had become (of all things!) a Christian. A look of genuine heartbreak and anxiety came across her face. “Now you’re going to hate me," she said.

Homosexuality Isn’t Stealing or Lying–But It Is Being Lonely « Suddenly Christian
It seems to me that the difference between homosexuality and the other sins people typically fight against- the urge to steal, or lie, or have extramarital affairs, or whatever- is that doing all the other sins hurts another person.

I love Shush, the sweet heterosexual Christian blogger who argues for gay Christians. Read these articles below and you'll see why (she writes at empathic asterisk).

Closeted Pastor: New Initiatives
Why? Because the Christian umbrella allows sanctuary to bigotry. If Christians who think differently do not speak out and act for justice, we are not following Christ. We are not even being neutral.

Bravo God, Bravo « The Lesbian Said What??
The bible doesn’t talk about Him being sexually attracted to anyone. Maybe because it’s not a thing He really worries about. He's just worried about relationships in general.

Homosexuality isn’t Bestiality. « *! [emphatic asterisk]
So black people want civil rights… next thing you know we’ll be giving them to cattle.” And on, and on, until, “so gay people want to get married. Next thing you know they’ll be marrying dogs.”

please, DO think of the children « *! [emphatic asterisk]
Given the state of affairs in America, shouldn’t every single child that could have a loving family be placed with one? Shouldn’t gay people who want to be parents have that chance? What is better: that a child have no home, or two fathers?

Gay Marriage « *! [emphatic asterisk]
I understand why gays want to get married- I don’t understand why Christians don’t want to allow it. Well, I do understand the reasoning (don’t cheapen something sacred) I just don’t understand how that equates to gay marriage being wrong. Allow me to explain myself. Right now, anyone can get married as long as they are heterosexual, not cousins, and not married to someone else. That means that it’s not just Christians who understand the “sacredness” of what they are engaging in who are getting married.

I thought that finishing out my Human Sexuality class would mean a lot less thinking on sexuality in general, but I've had a couple of things going around in my brain this week.

First, if you have VH1, I highly recommend checking out their Sexual Revolution special. There's some really great information about the beginning of the gay civil rights movement, and I learned a lot I didn't know before. It's very interesting, even if most of the spread is het-centric.

And secondly, California is allowing gay marriage! (Considering San Fran's rep, I'm shocked it wasn't sooner.) Let's hope the verdict isn't overturned anytime soon. Ellen DeGeneres is getting married, how exciting.

One day at a time, one victory at a time, my friends.

I was reading some articles earlier about genetics and being gay and as I understand they're getting closer and closer to pinning down the genetic cues that show one is likelier to be gay. It made me think a bit.

Wouldn't it be cool if, in the future, people came in for their ultrasounds to find out the baby's sex-- and sexual orientation? Of course, that sort of thing could be majorly abused, but perhaps in a progressive society...

"Would you like to know the sex and orientation?"

"Oh, yes. I'm so excited, aren't you dear?"

"Of course. Let's have it."

"Okay, looks like you're having... a baby boy. And he's gay."

"A boy! Oh, darling, I'm so excited! Won't Carrie be so thrilled to have a little brother?"

"A son. I'm having a son. Wonderful."

"Though where did that gay gene come from? Was it your grandfather?"

"Yeah, Grandpa and Pop-Pop. Spoiled me rotten. But you know, if he has your nose, he'll have no shortage of boyfriends."

"Won't that be thrilling? I can't wait to tell Mom and Dad."

Of course, it's an ideal. Unlikely. But a wonderful dream for now.

I've been trying to figure out del.icio.us Glue and I've given up, so here's some links I patiently collected for you. I basically find these by random in blogs and such so they're not necessarily related at all.

A Letter To Christians Who Don't Like Us
When Jesus was asked by a mob to condemn a woman caught in the very act of adultery (John 8: 3-11) Jesus said, "He who is without sin among you, may cast the first stone" and one by one...the men starting from the oldest...disappeared.

A Letter to Louise
When I began reading I soon realized things about myself I now deplore: I was ignorant of the many facts about homosexuality and what the Bible says about it. Yet, without facts, I had pre-judged it; I was prejudiced.

Lawmaker offers $5,000 on man-woman marriage
An Alabama lawmaker reportedly is offering $5,000 to anyone who can show him proof from the Bible indicating marriage is between a man and a woman.

How Christians interpret biblical passages on homosexuality
The Bible's condemnations of same-gender sexuality call to mind other scriptural passages used in past centuries to justify slavery and to keep women from participating fully in the life of the church.

The Church and Homosexuals « *! [emphatic asterisk]
I am baffled by the fact that people live as if homosexuality is somehow on a plane above and beyond other sins. I have seen murderers and child abusers welcomed back in to the fold with less questions that one would ask of a reformed homosexual.

The man who wrote this book was actually exocommunicated from the Catholic Church for publishing it. He is not gay himself, but a former priest who continues to minister to gays and lesbians. He has written a few other books, but I haven't read them.

Book: The Church and the Homosexual by John J. McNeill
Available from: local bookstores, Amazon
Suggested Retail Price: $19.00
Focus: Catholicism, clobber passages

First, I'd say buy this used, if possible, because $19 is a lot for a book! (Believe me, I buy a lot of books.) And buy the FOURTH edition, not anything earlier, because McNeill has updated his ideas on several key points.

Moving on, I'd say that this book makes some wonderful Scriptural arguments about being gay. Chapter Two focuses entirely on the "clobber passages," with a side trip to the Creation story in Genesis (for any of you who have been hit by the stupid "Adam and Steve" comeback, this is worth a read). The rest of Part One of the book is focused on the differing perspectives towards homosexuality, the gay nature (are gays predisposed to child molestation and etc.), and scientific evidence. McNeill is overwhelmingly positive here.

Part Two of the book talks mostly about gays in church, and how they benefit the church and how the church benefits them. There's a lot of psychology in here.

Part Three focuses on ministry to gays and lesbians. McNeill says that the Catholic Church has absolutely failed in its treatment of gays and lesbians, and he offers alternative attitudes, therapies, ideas, and tactics for ministering to gays. Though this section of the book is clearly written for pastors and preachers, I find a lot of benefit in reading it; his notes on celibacy are particularly interesting. Make sure you check out Appendix 1 to see his revision to his original position.

This book is, overall, a Godsend to gay Christians and Catholics alike. That being said, I do have a few gripes with it.

1. First of all, it has an overwhelming Catholic feel, which may bother some Christians, especially those who have never been involved in Catholicism. The Catholic approach to our shared religion feels a little different than the traditional evangelical Christian approach. As I have a background in Catholicism, I had no issues with the content, but some might.

2. This book was written at a high level of comprehension. It's not something one can read casually-- there's a lot of psychology, science, philosophy, and logic in it. Some of the sections I dragged through-- great for the information, but not for the reader.

3. This book has a strong gay male focus. What McNeill writes can apply to lesbians as well, most of the time, but he rarely addresses the female.

4. Throughout the book he uses the word "homosexual" to talk about gays, which can get somewhere wearying, and sometimes disheartening, even though he is on our side. He got exocommunicated for us, guys!

5. You must make sure to get the right edition because he has made some small changes to the text that are leaps in theology. One of those is his explanation of why he believes that a committed gay relationship is preferable to celibacy, if the gay person isn't called to celibacy in life.

This book is the sort of book I would carry around if I knew it well enough, so I could use it to reason with antigay Christians. The arguments and interpretations of Section One are invaluable. But it's a lot of cash to shell out for a very Catholic book. To me, it is worth it.

If you've read this book yourself, feel free to leave comments about your experiences with it.

When I first began to really realize that I was gay, I started reading voraciously. The Internet and I became close friends, and I spent many surreptitious hours in bookstores, hiding out near the GBLT section and darting in to grab a book, opening it flat on my lap so no passers-by could read the cover. Even now, I have all of my GBLT books tucked away in strange parts of my room where no one is likely to happen onto them. The book I'm reviewing now is the second book I actually purchased.

Book: Is It a Choice? by Eric Marcus
Available from: local bookstores, Amazon
Suggested Retail Price: $14.95
Focus: secular, general knowledge

I didn't even want to play with Scripture at this point. I wanted answers-- specifically the answer of the title. I'd call this a gay primer for secular issues. It's a great book to give parents, friends, or coworkers who are non-religious or oppose homosexuality on other than religious grounds.

I call this a gay primer also because it answers questions that real people have written in and asked Mr. Marcus over the years. It answers the title question and many others in several categories, down to "Do lesbians all drive Subarus?"

I cannot emphasize how open and encompassing this book is. There are questions in 18 chapters:

1. The Basics
2. Growing Up
3. Coming Out
4. Family and Children
5. For Parents of Gay Children
6. Dating, Relationships, and Marriage
7. Sex
8. Work and the Military
9. Where Gay and Lesbian People Live
10. Socializing and Friends
11. Religion
12. Discrimination and Antigay Violence
13. Movies, Television, and Print Media
14. Sports
15. Education
16. Politics and Activism
17. Aging
18. Miscellaneous Questions

You'll notice that Chapter 11 does address religion. However, most of the book is secular and doesn't reference the Bible to answer questions. The writer takes an absolutely pro-gay stance in that chapter, as well, stating unequivocally that being gay isn't a sin. He addresses the treatment of gays in different congregations (the United Methodists and the Catholic Church, to be specific). He also gives a little gay evangelical history, which I found interesting. There isn't any sort of debate in this section, if you're interested in that.

This book is generally geared toward non-gays, or new gays. As an uncertain baby dyke, I latched onto it quick, and I think that if I could choose only one book to give a reader about being gay, this would be the book.

There is a small amount of information about bisexuality and transgenderism. Both of these identities are treated with respect, but most of the book is about gays and lesbians.

Some of my favorite questions are:

*Do gay men find all men sexually attractive? Do lesbians find all women sexually attractive?

This is something I think bothers a lot of non-gays: are the people who just came out to them checking them out? (The answer is simple. As a heterosexual, are you attracted to all members of the opposite sex? Of course not.)

*Do gay people choose to be gay?

This one has a long answer... If you look the book up on Amazon, this is a good section to read. It's half of page 9 through the top of page 11.

*Do you have to have a sexual experience to know for sure [that you are gay]?

This was definitely a question I wanted to know. I knew the first thing my then-boyfriend would ask me if I came out to him would be whether or not I had had sex with women, and how I knew I would like it if I hadn't. (I still haven't had any lesbian sexual experiences, but I remain gay nonetheless.)

*How many gay and lesbian people are there?

*Do gay men and women hate straight people?

*What do gay people like to be called?

I have to quote this one, because it's perfect. "Most gay people would like to be called by their given names."

All of those questions come out of chapter one. There is a wealth of information here. I can't stress enough how much I enjoyed this book and how valuable it is to me today. Even as I'm paging through it again to write this review, I want to read it again.

If you've read this book yourself, feel free to leave comments about your experiences with it.

I think as Christians we often slip into the habit of assuming appearance to be a huge part of the Christian walk. We marry before we give birth, we avoid cursing, we dress modestly. We go to church without fail and volunteer when needed.

There's nothing wrong with that. But I have a story.

Sunday morning I came to church to take care of my regular volunteering gig. I have to admit something here-- I have been skipping church a lot lately. I find myself in an unsual place-- an unaffirming church with very little young adult presence. I haven't been back to youth group since the end of February, when my relationship with J. ended. I had already begun to feel out of place there and came mostly in support of him, anyway. I was supposedly a member of the youth leadership, but I was the last one called and the first one left out. The rest of the youth leadership was pretty much related to J.-- his mother is the interim youth pastor, his sister and brother-in-law in charge of the middle school youth, and his cousins making up the youth band. It would have been a bit awkward to keep going. I found that out the first time I showed up to a church leadership meeting, the day after J. and I broke up. "Awkward" does not begin to cover it.

The other Wednesday night class besides the youth is the elders service. They wouldn't throw me out for being under 50, but I'd get some weird looks. So my Wednesdays are filled with other evening activities now.

I've been skipping Sundays as well, unless I have to teach. J.'s ever-present mother, her best friend, and her best friend's husband are all members of the church band. J. plays with them as well. He stares at me throughout service and I feel like I'm on a platform, even though I'm in the stands, so to speak. I am the only member of my family to attend my church and my best church friend is still staying home, focused on her baby. So I sit by myself, surrounded by his family. When I go.

My volunteering gig came around this Sunday again-- I teach a kindergarten Sunday school class after worship service, on the request of the pastor's wife (if you have ever been able to deny your pastor's wife something, I am amazed-- that's superhuman). So I went to worship service and stood there in the front row (my standard place to sit-- in my church, the young people sit in front and the older people in back, for reasons undetermined and unenforced). Two of J.'s aunts were in town, sitting behind me. I hadn't seen them since the breakup, since they don't live close to me. They were, I thought, carefully ignoring my presence. One woman I didn't know well, but the other aunt was a woman I had been very close to. She was the mother-in-law of the friend I mentioned before-- the one with the baby. (Even my best church friend is related to J.! It's amazing how many people he is related to.) I was a little hurt by the fact that she was ignoring me, but tried to focus on service.

About halfway through someone poked me in the back. I turned around and she wrapped me in a hug. "I didn't see you! I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry this happened. I miss you so much."

At this point I started crying. This woman, I had thought, would do what the rest of them seemed to do-- be friendly, but blame me for the breakup. They didn't really want to talk to me, but Christian charity required a reluctant friendliness. These people had been my family for five years and I attempted to avoid them in public, unable to deal with the way they wouldn't meet my eyes. Apparently being gay is catching.

This aunt isn't known as one of the most pious of J.'s clan. She is divorced from her son's father and didn't raise him herself. She is living with a man that she had lived with for ten years and has no intention of marrying. But she is a good Christian woman. She still loved me JUST THE SAME as she had beforehand. And she showed it.

That, to me, is the definition of Christian love.

Compare this to J.'s mother, who waved a Bible in my face and demanded that I prove that being gay was okay by God.

Compare this to J., who broke up with me immediately after he learned that I was a bisexual, even though I told him I wasn't trying to end the relationship-- just attempting to be honest with him.

Compare this to the lead singer of the church band, J.'s mother's best friend, the assistant pastor's wife and a paragon of the community. I had always loved her for her youthful friendliness. "She's gay, isn't she?" she said immediately after J.'s mother told her we had broken up. "She's gay, isn't she?" Those words still haunt my dreams, the edge of distaste in her voice still able to conjure tears to my eyes.

Compare this to J.'s sister, a woman who has said loudly and often that she considered me her sister and would always stick up for me if we fought or even if we broke up. I was informed that she wanted to beat me up.

J.'s aunt held me and cried herself, saying the same things over and over. "I missed you this weekend. I missed you so much. I don't want to let you go."

That's why coming to church and volunteering and marrying before sex and not cursing isn't so important to me. All of those people I knew and love-- they were those sort of people. They are great Christians. But when another Christian steps out of their box-- that's it. They rallied around the pastor's granddaughter when she got pregnant two years ago. Apparently gayness is even worse than teenage pregnancies. But then again, they still desperately loved their gay cousin, who came out last year. I just don't get it.

I cried all the way through service-- so much so that my pastor took me aside afterwards and asked me if I was okay (though he had been told that J. and I had broken up, he wasn't told why). I nodded and told him they were happy tears.

No matter what, I know some of my "family" is still my family. And that's enough to cherish in my heart for now.

One of my closest friends, a person I've known for about 8 years now, came out to me this past year-- not as a lesbian, as I had first assumed, but as a transsexual man. If I have gotten the label right, that means that she is a female-to-male transsexual. She's currently seeking hormone therapy and corrective surgery.

I interviewed her for my Human Sexuality class-- the assignment was to interview someone with a differing sexual orientation than your own, or to interview a rape victim. I don't really know any rape victims, but I do know a heterosexual man trapped in a woman's body. That's pretty different from my lesbian female point of view.

One of the things she told me really broke my heart. (I will continue to refer to her with female pronouns until she asks me to change-- I have asked her before and she prefers to stay with the female pronouns until her changeover is more pronounced.) She told me that at the age of three or four, she asked her mother why God didn't make her a boy. She is a good Catholic, very faithful to God, and she didn't understand then why she had been made "wrongly." Something was off.

I started thinking about that and the idea that God could mess up. I didn't find that likely, somehow. So I thought about her life and what little I know about it (not being her, I can't get incredibly deep). And I came up with a few different answers.

1. If she hadn't been born a woman, we likely would never have become friends, because we really hit it off by rooming together at a camp when we were 14 and 13.

2. If we hadn't been friends, she would never have met and dated my best friend, giving both of them valuable life experience. The transsexual realized she couldn't date lesbians, and my best friend realized she would never date a man again. They both reaffirmed their sexual identities, even though the experience was difficult.

3. If I'd never known her and her gender identity, I would only have been half as knowledgable in my understanding of gender and sexual identity. I maintain that it is nearly impossible to understand the transsexual experience unless you are transsexual or know one personally; even knowing one doesn't help you understand things entirely.

4. She was my first example of a GBLT Christian, and she's not perfect, but she is perfect for me to look up to. She's normal enough for my desire to imitate her to be a reachable desire.

5. She likely would never have met her current girlfriend if she were both male either. Her girlfriend is a woman who understands, appreciates, and loves her true self, knowing about her transsexualism.

And that's just the few things that I could come up with-- things largely centered on myself and my relationship with her. There are countless other things that she did as a young woman that she probably wouldn't have done as a man. Her life would be utterly different.

God doesn't make mistakes. He's teaching her everything she needs to know to be a wonderful man.

Usually when I write about being a member of the GBLT movement, I refer to myself as a lesbian. This might be somewhat misleading, given that I maintained a boyfriend for five years and have yet to kiss a girl. (That is not for lack of wanting-- rather lack of material.) To an outsider, I pass without problems; nothing about my appearance labels me as gay. My past certainly doesn't.

Human beings enjoy labels. Somewhere, deep down inside of ourselves, even the messiest person categorizes people and places. Sometimes the categories we come up with are weird.

I call myself gay or I call myself a lesbian. That is because if I took a Kinsey, I'd sit somewhere in the 5.75 to 6.3 range. (That scale does go to 7, right?) I identity with the GBLT movement. But I did enjoy having sex with a man (to a certain point, anyway). I still find some men attractive. It's just for every one man I find attractive there are 30 or 40 beautiful girls that catch my eye.

I am a lesbian-identified bisexual. That's my label. I'm a lesbian-identified bisexual Christian Republican. And somehow that all works together to make me, my thoughts and my feelings.

You see how hard it is to categorize people sometimes?

There have been a few times when I thought about doing a Christian lesbian blog previously. There is a small crowd of people on Blogspot who uplift and encourage each other by doing so. I love reading their blogs. Half of my bookmarked gblt links come from those blogs.

I hate reading their comments.

The comments always remind me of the story as old as shepherding itself-- the story of the wolf in sheep's clothing. There are very intelligent, very kind people who comment and argue thoroughly that Christian gays are sinners who need to repent and either become celibate or become heterosexual. Their arguments are generally clean, with some sort of (usually incorrect) statistics, or stern interpretations from the Bible. They are determined to convince the blogger that their point of view is wrong.

At some point, I just have to laugh and think about this XKCD comic: "This is important. Someone is wrong on the Internet." What is it about the Internet that makes us so confrontational and certain? The lack of face-to-face contact, I suppose. But the point I'm trying to make is that these commenters take their words just as seriously as the blogger does. As the blogger enjoys blogging or feels that it is his/her duty to inform the world about GBLT Christians, so the commenter believes it is his/her duty to correct their wrongs.

I can't stand this earnestness. It is what pushed me away from my ex-boyfriend and his family in the end. They were so certain that they were right, and so insistent, and so gosh darn polite, that it hurt me inside. It still hurts me now. It will probably always hurt me-- the utterly kind rejection of my life, my feelings, and my sexual orientation.

And when I think about having a public Christian lesbian blog, I think about those people who choose to tear down, rather than uplift, and I know that each comment with those ideas would tear my soul to pieces. I am emotionally delicate. Perhaps that's not the best way to phrase it-- I'm not the sort who will go to pieces in a post office someday because they're out of stamps. But I am the sort of person who holds each criticism dear to my heart and lets it bleed my lifeblood away. It is a portion of my character that I struggle with every day.

When I was still attempting to dialogue with my ex-boyfriend on the subject of gay Christians and the fact that Biblical passages have been misinterpreted for ages, he sent me links to websites backing his belief system. I read them and nearly began to cry because of the clinical, harmful way that those websites looked at homosexuality. It is a behavior, not an orientation or an identity, they said. Before I realized I was gay, I wondered why my best friend had such a large part of her identity wrapped up in the fact that she was gay. I didn't focus a large part of my life on maintaining and reinforcing my straightness. Now I realize her motivation-- it is an identity, an orientation, a culture, a life (not a lifeSTYLE, you heathen gay-bashers: there are gays in all economic brackets, races, professions, and religions). Those websites did not reinforce my identity. They tried to take it away.

So I don't know how well I will as a lesbian Christian blogger. Not with all of this opposition. Not unless commenters can learn to uplift rather than tear down. I can't face the heat. I can't believe I'm going to try.

This post is a gigantic thank-you to all of those bloggers who do, every day-- the ones who maintain their decorum and Christian values while replying to those who spew hatred and those who spew semi-rational hatred and the doctrine of "hate the sin, love the sinner." Those people walk the gauntlet every day. I admire all of you. I could never be you.

Thank you so much for writing posts that a young lesbian could turn to, and feel safe and loved. (As long as one doesn't read the comments.)